STATE OF THE COUNTRY, WHAT BLAIR SHOULD SAY

Well here I am, just six weeks to go and then my good friend Gordon will take over and I thought that this would be a good time to sum up my past ten years in office as Prime Minister of the Country.

We were fortunate when we (I) came to power, there was a good economy and a reasonably happy population, this had to change after all a happy population does not usually vote Labour, social unrest and a failing economy is what usually motivates the proletariat, so I set about my quest.

I had to find a way of spending this money, education that was it, so I set about reforming a good education system into a shambles and still managed to convince the public that the changes were good.

Education was taken out of the hands of educators, the Government (me) told the schools, colleges and Universities what to teach, made them reduce standards so everybody could pass the exams thus de-valuing the qualifications, poured money into the system aimed at promoting non academic subjects such as pottery and media studies and look what we have achieved, we have a generation who by the age of 10

Cannot read and are innumerate, and the Degree from most British Universities is not accepted anywhere in the world, and that includes Afghanistan.

I turned good Polytechnics into bad Universities, that was a good one because it meant that the costs would go up and the standards fall.

The Health Service was my second target.

Millions were put in, the administration doubled and in some cases even trebled but the best bit was in the use of targets and waiting list times, we found a way of reducing them by the way they were counted but this did not shorten the actual time spent on a waiting list –brilliant

The GP’s were awarded huge pay rises for doing much less work.

By now the money was beginning to run out so I asked Gordon to come up with some inventive ideas to raise taxation, “Stealth taxes” were born and we have had about 80 of them, the latest being “green taxes”.

This money was needed to finance the second stage of my terms in power. And that was the dismantling of the British way of life and at the same time create a vote base, which would enable Labour to stay in power.

Mass immigration was the answer, after 9/11 it was clear that there was a large number of people, Muslims, who wanted to destroy the Ideals and values of the west, who better to do the job for me.

I opened the borders and they flooded in and were given housing, money, heath care and preference over the existing population, they immediately started attacking the British way of life- perfect, the plan was working.

The next stage was the Human rights Bill, my wife (the wicked witch of the west) and I used to stay up at night thinking of legislation that we could put through the Commons, that would breach this Act, she could then challenge this in court, win and get paid a fat fee for doing so (well I do have a mortgage to pay).

More and more flooded in, the benefits bill was rising, more happy labour voters, Gordon introduced the flight surcharge on all passengers of £ 40

7/7 happened, this really annoyed the public and me so I thought we had better do something, Various anti terror bills were passed, this enabled Human Rights lawyers to make a mint and we still have not managed to deport anybody, after all how can we send these people back to a place where they may come to some harm.

The success of this policy is clear; we now have about 3000 active jihadis in the UK and numerous terrorist cells working away to destroy the British society.

This policy has been so successful that the US is going to stop its Visa Waver system for UK citizens, how good is that and all air travellers are now subjected to ignominious searches before they get on a plane (unless they are wearing a Hijab or Nikab and that includes men).

I would like to say a few words about crime, there is a lot of it in the UK, I have taken steps to ensure that the police force cannot do its job properly; it is riddled with political correctness.

Criminals from all over Europe and the Middle East are coming here showing new ways of being a criminal.

We have however contributed greatly to the reduction in Passport forgery, at one time the UK passport was the most expensive on the black market, this is no longer the case as people can now just walk in thus we have effectively reduced crime.

To sum up, we now have a country that has got a bad education system, the health service is in meltdown, a Police force that does not work and we are importing criminals and an immigration problem second to none.

Not bad for ten years is it.

Thank you and goodbye, I’m off to make £40 million

Well... That's how it would be if Gandalf said it.