The Men in Black

Reichskirchenfuhrer Williams looked down at his image in the mirror before him. He admired the sleek dark lines of his deep black apparel. He noticed the fetching, white military style clerical collar with the comely ‘SS ’ runes, denoting Synod Staffel in, Greek New Testament script, stamped either side of his neck. He raised himself up and placing his hands behind his back, admired his equally dark black gaiters…He looked down at his equally black shoes…. ‘Das ist richtig!’ he murmured to himself ‘Ein Perfekt Synod Staffel soldaten und Offizier!’

A knock came at the door. ‘Ja!?’ Who is das?’ he replied…
‘Mein Reichkirchensfuhrer, It ist Untervicar Smythe!’


A little man dressed in the uniform of a full Untervicar came in. He raised his right arm in salute. ‘Heil Brown!’ The Reichskirchenfuhrer acknowledged it with a simple raising of his right lower arm; an almost dismissive gesture.

‘Vat ist it you vish fur Smythe?’
‘Mein team und me haf completed the study and plans to extend Sharia Law mein Reichskirchenfuhrer!’

Reichkirchenfuhrer Williams stared at the little man. He thought he looked just like a little mongrel dog he used to kick about the church pews after a bad Sunday service…

Ach so, das ist gut! Soon we vill haf a Islamischer stadt und Church ja? Gut work Smythe, I shall recommend you fur der Iron Crucifix Second Class!’

The little mongrel like Untervicar looked crestfallen.

‘Vot is wrong Smythe?’
‘Er only second class mein Reichskirchenfuher!?’
‘Ja you spelt Islam mit two ‘Ls’, Zey have stated that you haf insulted Islam, und you would not like to be under a fatwa eh Smythe?’

The little Untervicar visibly shaking in fear replied, ‘Off course not Herr Reichskirchenfuher!’

‘Sehr Gut, Smythe, be grateful to your Meister fur small Christian mercies ja?’
‘Danke! Herr Reichskirchenfuhrer!’
‘You are forgiven UnterVicar!’

He clicked his gaiters and saluting about turned.

Rowan Williams dreaded head of the Synod Staffel, walked over to his phone. He raised the receiver and asked his secretary to come in. An elderly woman of pinch faced looks entered. She wore a grey paisley print dress, and small spectacles that gave her thin face, deathly skull like qualities.

‘Ach Mildred! Be so kind as to take a dictation bitter, und transmit by urgent Reichskirchen poste to my colleague in York. You vill also tramsit ein copy fur der Fuhrer in Westminster ja?’

The woman was deeply in love with her Clerical master. ‘Oh he so commanding and manly’ she thought to herself. She looked at his sharp brown eyes, the dark manly beard, the distinguished Aryan features-she felt her knees weaken.

‘Ach ist der ein problem Fraulein? You haf gone deep red!?’

‘Oh sorry Herr Reichskirchenfuher! It must be the weather!’

‘Shall I turn the heating down?’

‘Oh no Herr Reichskirchenfuhrer!’
‘It is der juden schwein selling us short as usual! One day we shall settle accounts mit dem ja!?’ Der last delivery from Cohen und son contained pig’s fat you know!’

‘Oh really Reichskirchefuhrer?’

‘Ja Fraulien, der schwein knew we supplied the local area mosques! Mein Gott did der Islamischer meister throw ein wobbly! He threatened to decapitate der entire Reichskirchen! ‘’Kuffar pigs!’’ he ranted! He threatened us mit no more interfaith dialogue!’

‘Dreadful situation, Herr Reichskirchenfuhrer!’

He was visibly sweating… ‘Ve could haf lost our heads ja? You must be careful mit der Islamisher volk hein? Now to business! Begin bitter!’

‘Dear John,
Our holy Brother auf York in Christ, ve nicht understand your objections to the new ranks and titles, recently applied by the Synod Staffel! Vos ist der problem mein Brother auf Christ? It has also been reported that you are still holding strict Church of England services contrary to SS Ordnung B3, instructing dat all der services, ist Multifaith! Dieses instruczion ist nicht voluntary but ein Fuhrerkommand auf Downing Strasse Hauptkommandantur! Your name has been mentioned by Frauleins Smith und Blears fur investigation by Gehiemstaatkirchenpolizeiamt IV, Multifaith Investigatatory, Diversity in Dialogue Section.

You do understand my dear Bruther auf York what that means ja?’

Vie are also informed, dat you haf increased your Christian congregation in direct contravention of SS Ordnung 4, and refused to allow combined Islamic, devil worship services to encourage statutory interfaith worship. We are most concerned zat you stopped a service in York Cathedral just as a virgin was about to be ritually slaughtered on the altar besides an upside down cross!

How in der name of Allah is zis going to assist interfaith dialogue, tolerance, understanding und diversity in der multifaith community? Und when der Satanichser beings dematerilised you called in der Parish Excorcist!

Mein phone has never stopped ringing mit complaints from our Pagan friends and their Demonic colleagues. As you know I am in der process of negotiating the sale of mein soul und acquiring 72 virgins, as a part of mutual interfaith understanding. As you know we intend to hold a Mass fur Adolf Hitler next week as part of European Union Week of Forgiveness and Reconciliation! There will be readings from Mein Kamp and the Holy Quoran to encourage a feeling of Community prayer and joint action.

I hope dear Brother York in Christ. You will comply mit mein instructions ja!’

Yours in Christ!


SS Reichkirchenfuhrer
General Synod


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